Struggling with Doubt || Recap of Junior Year

It’s summer once again. Wow.
Not only is it summer, but school starts back up in a month. WHAT?!
Hands down, Junior year was the fastest year of my entire life.
It’s unbelievable.

So, where to even begin?
How can I describe everything that I’ve experienced and learned this past school year?
Well, either way, it has no doubt changed my life.
I’m still trying to figure out the details of everything that’s been going on…
But all I know is that the Lord has stretched me past all levels of my comfort zone.
It hasn’t been fun, certainly not. But yet, at the same time it’s been enjoyable witnessing this period of spiritual growth. I’ve had to cling to the only hope that I have more than ever
— Jesus Christ.

Here’s what he’s been teaching me: I know extremely little about life.
Just about everything I’ve ever believed was true has come crashing down around me.
Whether it be relationships, health, politics, theology, philosophy, or faith.
Nothing is as black and white as I’ve always thought.
There are so many sides to every single argument.
Life just isn’t as simple as I once believed.
Gosh, I have so many questions.

I think I’ve cried more in this past semester than I’ve cried in my entire life combined.
Okay.. well maybe that’s an exaggeration, but still. You get the point. I’ve cried a lot.
Not crying in public was quite the challenge in the last month before school ended.
I didn’t want anyone to ask me what was actually wrong.

Ya know, I’ve never been one to hide my feelings…
But this journey has been different.
The questions I have aren’t ones I can just casually ask my friends.
They don’t have the answers to my questions.
And quite honestly, I just didn’t want them to be burdened by the same doubts I have.
If they aren’t questioning these things,
why plant doubts into their minds that aren’t already there?
I don’t want to “lead anyone astray” in their faith with my questioning.

Or maybe it’s my pride.
I’m supposed to ‘have it all together’, right?
I can’t be the one doubting my faith — no, not me.
I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone.
I had to struggle through this on my own
Pride in it’s clearest form.

See, the position I’m in is a hard one.. I’m expected to act a certain way.
I’m expected to be “on fire for God” all the time..
So what happens when the doubts come in and my sinful self screams

If I’m being honest, I don’t feel like following Jesus every second of every day…
No matter how many Bible verses I tweet or statuses I post about Jesus,
it doesn’t mean that I’m immune to the temptations of this world.
I’m a sinful human being who has sinful human desires.
I’m a broken person who is in the process of being made whole…
But I still live in a broken world.

So, overall this year has been the hardest year of my life, but yet one of the most fun.
I’ve certainly been blessed by amazing family and friends who are always so encouraging.
I’ve been able to travel to many new places and have enjoyed awesome new experiences.
Those were the days though that I chose to turn my brain off
and just enjoy the moment while it lasted. It’s always when I’m alone,
when the thoughts come creeping in and the doubts infiltrate my mind.
My brain never stops with the questioning…

“Why God– why, why, why?
Why can’t I understand what you are doing?
How can I trust that you are good?”

But you know, I’ve finally come to the understanding that it’s okay not to know everything…
We can’t possibly know everything. How could we? — We’re finite human beings.
Even if we combined the knowledge of every human being on the planet we would maybe
know the equivalent of a grain of sand compared to the knowledge of the God of the Universe.

So here’s a quote I found encouraging for my situation:
“Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.”

Elisabeth Elliot also once said,
“Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them.”
So all that being said, I just wanted to encourage anyone out there who is struggling with doubt to take your questions to God. I strongly believe that He reveals truth to the honest seeker.
He’s certainly been answering my questions and humbling me in the process.
You may have to step outside the box and question many things you’ve been taught.
But the answers are there. Keep searching.

– Hannah Myers


P.S. I’ve experienced that the answers to most of life’s hardest questions are found in an accurately translated Bible (aka, Young’s Literal Translation/Concordant Literal)